Weighing on my heart…
Re- connecting with my “father”?!?!
How much is to much? When is enough really enough? Do you believe in forgiving and forgetting? Can you really forgive someone who did so many awful things in their life? This person was suppose to be a role model, a person who is suppose to teach you right from wrong.
I am trying to gain a better relationship with God. All the books I have read, states that you need to forgive. I have not talked to him in 8, almost 9 years, because I don’t know if I can forgive. Since then he has kept my mom from visiting me and having communication with me.
Do you know how hard it is especially being a military wife, not to not have your parents by your side? This has been eating at me for a long time. I can honestly say I went through the stages of grief. Maybe not all in order, but living in that house I was first depressed about the situation and trying to barging with myself, with god to just get me out of that situation and I would never look back. Then I was in shock that my parents did the things they did, I was in denial that any of it could or did actually happen. At one point I felt guilty that maybe if I had been a better child, or listened better…. angry has been the stage I’ve been stuck at for the last 8-9 years of my life. And just recently I have hope that my life can be better and I can move on from this .
Don’t get me wrong I am a huge advocate of “everything happens for a reason” and “that which does kill you makes you stronger”. But how long can I ignore it. I know I am a stronger person because of my past. Being a parent now has really made me think long and hard about my past.
I’m debating writing him a letter to get it all off my chest, once I know he has received the letter I am thinking about calling and maybe getting some final closure.
Reading this you are probably wondering what I am talking about, how was my childhood so different from everyone else’s, but at this point I am not ready to disclose that information.
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Monday, January 30, 2012
The separation slump…
Every time Adam leaves, no matter if its on-base or off base training, it takes me right around a week to get out of my slump. Unconsciously I lock myself away in the house and stay in my pjs when possible. The laundry and dishes pile up, dinner is usually a quick fix, of pasta or peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.
I guess I just get use to having him home. It’s nice being able to leave the house and go to the gym by myself or have an adult conversation.
I guess a week is the time it takes me to get back into the “single” parent routine. You would think that since Adam has been in the marine corps for the past 5 years, I would be use to not seeing him much. Which I am, for the most part. However, I guess it just hits me hard now because we have 2 kids, and this is it, he is about to leave for his first deployment. Training is one thing, because you have a set day that he is coming home. Which in the past has only ever been 4 months in- between the times we haven’t seen each other , so this go around is going to be twice as long and little or no communication.
What I think I hate most is not hearing from him for days, sometimes weeks. It’s that closeness we have, the random things I think about, or funny things Alexis does that I just want to share with him. Yeah usually I get an email, but even that isn’t the same as actually hearing his voice.
It breaks my heart having a smart pre-schooler. when Adam started these work ups, Alexis was taking it hard. She was use to having him home at night and she would ask why daddy wasn’t home yet, or why he missed dinner, or why he wasn’t praying with us. It got to the point where I would leave the hall light on (because Adams enlisted boot camp picture is in the hall), she would tell me she just wants to look at her handsome daddy!
I guess I just get use to having him home. It’s nice being able to leave the house and go to the gym by myself or have an adult conversation.
I guess a week is the time it takes me to get back into the “single” parent routine. You would think that since Adam has been in the marine corps for the past 5 years, I would be use to not seeing him much. Which I am, for the most part. However, I guess it just hits me hard now because we have 2 kids, and this is it, he is about to leave for his first deployment. Training is one thing, because you have a set day that he is coming home. Which in the past has only ever been 4 months in- between the times we haven’t seen each other , so this go around is going to be twice as long and little or no communication.
What I think I hate most is not hearing from him for days, sometimes weeks. It’s that closeness we have, the random things I think about, or funny things Alexis does that I just want to share with him. Yeah usually I get an email, but even that isn’t the same as actually hearing his voice.
It breaks my heart having a smart pre-schooler. when Adam started these work ups, Alexis was taking it hard. She was use to having him home at night and she would ask why daddy wasn’t home yet, or why he missed dinner, or why he wasn’t praying with us. It got to the point where I would leave the hall light on (because Adams enlisted boot camp picture is in the hall), she would tell me she just wants to look at her handsome daddy!
Saturday, January 28, 2012
Workups Harder than actual deployment?!?!
I've heard from other military wives that the work ups to a deployment are worse than the actual deployment its self....
Well so far its been hello, goodbye for the last several months…when he isn’t here I am missing him like crazy, when he is here we are at each others throats! I’ve heard this is normal, it’s the stress on both of us that makes us irritable and we argue. He is stressed about his first deployment and what he has to do during the months he is away….I am stressed with having 2 kids doing the “single” parent thing for many months and losing my best friend!
Of course reading this you would think why cant they just cherish the time they have together after all they are not going to see each other for a long time, well it’s not that easy! Adam is a keep to self person about his work which is a good and bad thing. Bad because he never talks to me about it, so he is usually in a pissed off mood or zoned out when he is at home. When Adam is gone, I am making lists of things that have to get done before the big day. But when he is home, (which I understand) the things never get done because well….life happens. Which makes me irritable because I already feel like I am holding down the home front, I just need the bare minimal help from him!
Well realization is kicking in more and more,. He is now doing his final training. When he gets back we have the pre-deployment leave and then he is gone. Now I will NOT be posting details on when, and where Adam is but I can say he is leaving in spring and we don’t know when he will be home. This deployment will be on MEU (Marine Expeditionary unit) which is based mainly on a ship. Adam doesn’t like the idea of being a Marine, having all the training he has and not being in a combat zone, however I am more at peace knowing my husband isn’t in a combat zone!
Well here is to making each day count when he IS home!
Well so far its been hello, goodbye for the last several months…when he isn’t here I am missing him like crazy, when he is here we are at each others throats! I’ve heard this is normal, it’s the stress on both of us that makes us irritable and we argue. He is stressed about his first deployment and what he has to do during the months he is away….I am stressed with having 2 kids doing the “single” parent thing for many months and losing my best friend!
Of course reading this you would think why cant they just cherish the time they have together after all they are not going to see each other for a long time, well it’s not that easy! Adam is a keep to self person about his work which is a good and bad thing. Bad because he never talks to me about it, so he is usually in a pissed off mood or zoned out when he is at home. When Adam is gone, I am making lists of things that have to get done before the big day. But when he is home, (which I understand) the things never get done because well….life happens. Which makes me irritable because I already feel like I am holding down the home front, I just need the bare minimal help from him!
Well realization is kicking in more and more,. He is now doing his final training. When he gets back we have the pre-deployment leave and then he is gone. Now I will NOT be posting details on when, and where Adam is but I can say he is leaving in spring and we don’t know when he will be home. This deployment will be on MEU (Marine Expeditionary unit) which is based mainly on a ship. Adam doesn’t like the idea of being a Marine, having all the training he has and not being in a combat zone, however I am more at peace knowing my husband isn’t in a combat zone!
Well here is to making each day count when he IS home!
It's been awhile....
HEllO AGAIN:)
Ok its been way to long since the last time I wrote on this blog page!
In a nut shell since the last time...I worked full time at AEO company, got pregnant, had a baby, put Allie in dance and gymnastic classes, started Allie in on-base preschool, I'm working on a closer relationship with GOD and currently I'm getting ready to say goodbye to my husband for several months for his first deployment!!
This blog will now be used to help me keep my sanity....it will document my life through the deployment and hopefully Adam will get to see and read how we are adjusting to life....
Ok its been way to long since the last time I wrote on this blog page!
In a nut shell since the last time...I worked full time at AEO company, got pregnant, had a baby, put Allie in dance and gymnastic classes, started Allie in on-base preschool, I'm working on a closer relationship with GOD and currently I'm getting ready to say goodbye to my husband for several months for his first deployment!!
This blog will now be used to help me keep my sanity....it will document my life through the deployment and hopefully Adam will get to see and read how we are adjusting to life....
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